Lauren Donker

INTRODUCING OUR FIRST LOVE SALT LIGHT PRODUCT!

We designed this fridge whiteboard earlier this year for ourselves to serve as a daily reminder to ensure we always had an upcoming date planned. I’m a big diary gal and still use good old pen and paper to write everything down, plus I’m a school teacher so whiteboards are my bread and butter!

With work, two little kids and all else life brings, dates and quality time together can easily get put on the back burner. In our heads we know we want/need date nights and days but the weeks/months/years are flying by in our current season so we want to be intentional about locking in time ALONE together. Our mantra for dates is always PLAN IT, PRIORITIZE IT, PROTECT IT.

We strive to always have a special date once a month where we set aside a half/whole day and take turns to plan something really unique and fun!

The board has helped us both to see whether or not we have an upcoming date planned or whether we need to get something locked in asap.
It also doubles as a cute spot to leave quick love notes to each other!

• 

• 

For all the details and to purchase one, please head to the Etsy link below.
Pleases note this is currently open for pre-order so the item will take 2-3 weeks to get into your hands.

Could be a sweet little stocking filler for Christmas for your love or friends around you!

We hope you find it useful and love it as much as we do,

Mark and Lauren

x

https://www.etsy.com/au/listing/754773999/our-next-date-is?ref=listing_published_alert

1. TELL US YOUR SIMPLE LOVE STORY

J & L:  We met in highschool when we were 15. Jeremy was in the grade above and our ‘groups’ became friends, so we knew of each other. One day our friends just decided we would be good together and started teasing us about dating, running off whenever we were together so that we were forced to talk. I guess it worked, because a few months later we actually started dating! We dated for 5 years before getting engaged and Jeremy popped the question at the beach in the same spot he asked me out. It was right before we left for 6 months on university exchange to America – to separate unis 2 hours apart. He called my engagement ring his ‘insurance’ while we were apart! We were engaged for a year, and planned our wedding in 6 months when we returned, while working 3 jobs between us and both studying full time. It was a busy time! No wonder we spent most of our honeymoon sleeping 😉

2. DESCRIBE ONE WAY YOU EACH INTENTIONALLY GROW YOUR LOVE

J: Since we both work from home we spend a lot of time together. It can be easy to fall into the habit of simply treating each other as a coworker. While it is often necessary to be professional in order to be productive this can sometimes squash the flame of love between us during the day. To counter this I try to take time to (without interrupting her workflow) surprise Larissa with random hugs, kisses, encouragement and compliments. Sometimes it is as simple as randomly hugging her from behind and telling her I love her, sometimes it is complimenting her on a design or creation. Doing this breaks the “coworker” tensions and reminds both of us to relax and have fun doing what we love from home with the person we love.

L:  Something we’ve done since the day we got married is have a screen free bedroom. It’s a simple thing, but it makes such a huge difference. Jeremy is the last person I talk to at night and I’m the first person he talks to in the morning. If we wake up in the middle of the night, we chat instead of scrolling! It’s in these little moments that love grows deeper I think – little moments that are often filled with screens if we let them. We always go to bed together and get up together – perks of both having the same work schedule. Our bedroom is our ‘haven’, a private little space just for us to be together and connect. The only time we have screens there is when we intentionally watch a movie together (we don’t have a TV, so we use our laptop in bed). It has worked wonders for our marriage!

• 

• 

• 

3. SHARE YOUR MOST RECENT, OR FAVOURITE GO-TO DATE

J: We often take time to go on a casual date at least once or twice a week which likely involves takeaway pizza at a chilled location such as down by the lake. However, the last official date we had was a couple of weeks ago for our anniversary where we had a couples massage followed by dinner out at a quiet Italian restaurant. We both love massages and were in desperate need of one after getting through the busiest time of year for our business. We love to give each other quality back massages at home but it is even better receiving an amazing massage and knowing your spouse is receiving the same thing at the same time. If you like massages I would highly recommend this, it is worth every dollar. Afterwards we relaxed with a glass of wine and one of favourite cuisines, Italian. We intentionally left our phones behind and made an extra effort to give each other our undivided attention. We were able to relax, joke, laugh and enjoy our food without distraction.

L:  We do a lot of things together that we probably wouldn’t call ‘dates’, but I guess they could be! We often go for bike rides together and chat along the way. Or we go kayaking together on the lake, or swimming together at the beach and getting hot chips and sitting on the sand. We do these things every couple of days, so not so much ‘dates’ but just quality time together in nature. Probably our most common go-to date is pizza and a board game by the lake, or taking dinner and a laptop in the car down to the beach and watching a movie together there. It just changes it up from always eating and watching movies at home. \

5. SHARE YOUR BEST PIECE OF ADVICE TO KEEP A MARRIAGE THRIVING

J:  Before being a couple each person has to start out single. Transitioning between being single, dating, engaged and finally married and adjusting to the changing relationship dynamics and roles can be tough. After we got married I quickly realised that I (at that point) was quite a selfish person. I had to learn that we were now one person and that I would have to start to think of both us and not just myself. I did a lot of this learning early on without help or advice which I wish I had. We both now have “mentors” who we can turn to for advice and can bounce ideas off. People who we trust and who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is. I definitely recommend having someone like this (of the same gender as you) who you are close to, both relationally and geographically and who ideally is at least one life stage ahead of you. And when things get tough, don’t hesitate to call them for help. Other than having a mentor I recommend to have clear communication with your spouse, don’t stop talking and communicating and be kind. If you can’t communicate without being unkind, try hugging it out and then try writing letters to each other so everyone can communicate their thoughts without interruption. Never stop communicating, be kind and find someone who can be your mentor.

L: Honestly? Hug LOTS. Say ‘I love you’ lots. Kiss lots, have sex lots. We’re both affectionate people so these things come pretty naturally for us, but it is something we’ve really built into our relationship and keeps it thriving. Even when we’re frustrated or arguing we sometimes just hug and keep arguing while we’re hugging – because it reminds us that we really do love each other and that we’re a team. It brings us back from being on opposite sides of something to feel like we’re working on it together so that we can create the marriage and life that we want. We also read the Bible out loud to each other and it has the same effect. Like we’re a team, trying to figure out life and faith together and we can do it as long as we stick together. We had a really rough start to marriage, but affection really kept our love going through that time and still does.

• 

• 

• 

• 

Sarah and Nathan have a very unique story. Both were married young however, both their first marriages ended due to their spouses choosing to pursue another relationship outside of marriage, and subsequently causing the marriages to break down.
They met years later and have begun a NEW journey together, healed and now newly engaged – they are ready to commit to marriage again.
Their story is such an encouragement of His redemption and the amazing way God can turn around circumstances after divorce.

1. Tell us your love story 
   We both met online (Christian Connection). We were open to meeting someone but both had lost confidence after our marriage breakdowns. We both married young prior- and so to get back into the dating game was daunting. Not everyone has a good experience with online dating- but we just saw it as a tool to connect and meet people. It cuts the guess work out-it was upfront that you were looking for a partner and some details & history (ie Sarah: I have a son from my prior marriage- I was able to make this clear on my profile so anyone talking to me knew before exploring anything with me). We started to chat and things moved fast. We got along so well and wanted the same things. After meeting a few times it was clear to us both that there was a future in this. We both were social workers and both had similar journeys with our previous marriage breakdowns- so our similarities really connected us. 
   

2. After separating from both of your spouses, how did you feel about marriage and divorce as we imagine your previous expectations for your future were quite shattered?

Nathan: Yes, I wondered if I was good enough to get married to another person. I found I  internalized my marriage breaking down and thought some thing was wrong with me. That in some way I had failed and not a good enough partner. Even though I still believed in marriage- I just didn’t know I would find someone who would accept me being a ‘divorcee’ at such a young age (26). 

Sarah: Similar to Nathan, even thought I knew I had done nothing specific to end my marriage (My ex husband decided to walk away)- I also felt like ‘damaged goods’. I was concerned that all men would be non committal and that I could not trust them. I had got to a point where I was happy being single as I never wanted to be hurt like I had been in the past. In turn I had put up some solid walls to ensure this. I didn’t realize this until Nathan came along I could allow myself to trust &  love again.

3. How did you hold onto hope that there was another person for you?

Nathan: My parents would say that God has the perfect person for me and I should start praying for them. Having good people around who can hold onto hope for you when yours has weakened. 

Sarah: Agree with above. Having people around you who can speak hope and faith even when It doesn’t look the way you want it is KEY. Even when I had no hope- I had people around me who would hold onto hope for me. And in the meantime while single I got on with life and lived it to the full. I didn’t just wait ‘until’ I met someone to live my best life- I moved forward with life.

Nathan: My parents would say that God has the perfect person for me and I should start praying for them. Having good people around who can hold onto hope for you when yours has weakened. 
Sarah: Agree with above. Having people around you who can speak hope and faith even when It doesn’t look the way you want it is KEY. Even when I had no hope- I had people around me who would hold onto hope for me. And in the meantime while single I got on with life and lived it to the full. I didn’t just wait ‘until’ I met someone to live my best life- I moved forward with life.

4. How did you know you were ready for another relationship?

Nathan: I felt ready pretty soon- I wanted to move forward and open to meeting someone to share life with. Every situation is so unique. My ex wife and I lived in a different state- so when it became apparent that she was seeing someone else and did not want to reconcile I moved to Melbourne for a fresh start. This was so helpful for me to start over and move forward. 

Sarah: I needed more time. I think having a young child at the time (my son was 2 years of age when the marriage broke down) my first initial focus was on him. Selling our home and trying to move forward just took more time with a child. I had met a few people prior to Nathan- but nothing felt right until he came along. I just felt so safe with him and knew there was a peace over our relationship. 

5. How is your mindset different going into your second marriage? 
Nathan: We are working together as a team- not against each other.. Communicate in a timely manner- don’t bottle it in. I think guys have a tendency to internalize and not speak up- this sadly creates more tension. The best thing to do is to talk it out. Communication is KEY and the oxygen to relationships. Clarify if you’re unsure and don’t assume. Work out what her love language is and be intentional to show her love in a way that she receives it (eg. Sarah loves flowers- they are not my thing-  but that $15 I spend on a bunch of roses means the world to her  & worth every dollar). 

Sarah: I think going into this I knew more of what I wanted and what I did NOT want. I wanted someone who would have a soft heart towards me, someone who had humility and would work alongside me as a team. Faith is a big value of mine- so I wanted someone with a genuine faith and who would encourage the best in me and for my son. The superficial things didn’t matter as much- I wanted a good man with a good heart who would be my best friend. It sounds strange- but I remember thinking that If I ever got sick in any way I could totally see them standing by my side in the hard times not just the good. Life can throw all sorts of curve balls- I wanted someone who I could envisage would tough it out in the hard times (all these things I see in Nathan 

6. We imagine there was a lot of hurt to heal from and trust to develop – how did you establish that in your new relationship?
Nathan: To be honest- Sarah has never given me a reason not to trust. But if I ever feel insecure or unsure I will always communicate my triggers or concerns with Sarah- given her history she understands and will always take on board my feelings.

Sarah: For me it has been a little more difficult. At times I find my mind worrying about things that are not rational just because of my history and being so hurt in the past. I’m so thankful that Nathan gets it and understands its not him- its my past trauma. Once again (I feel like a broken record) communication is key- when we identify the root of it being my past- we are able to move forward. Nathan has been so reassuring always and this helps every time. Sometimes I have to be direct and just tell him I’m feeling insecure- he then knows I need reassurance. I cant expect him to read my mind- I have to speak up 

.  
7. What practical things do you think you’ll put in place in your relationship to protect your marriage?

Our faith has been a big thing- we both are on the same page with values on love and our relationship with God. We pray together, for each other and do devotionals together. Being equal- that we both have strengths and both can lead in different ways to compliment each other.  To identify what fills one another’s love tanks and to actively seek out to make our partner feel loved and appreciated daily. 

8. Share your best advice for people who have lost hope in waiting for the right person to come along.
It might sound direct, but, Be practical. Don’t just expect it just to happen. In other words- get out and about meeting people, sign up to a dating website and move past the initial awkwardness of it- you never know who you might meet. relationships are a risk, and this can be daunting if you’ve been hurt.
Just because one person has hurt you, does not mean all people are going to do the same. Stay curious and don’t write people off too quickly (example- we have a 8 year age gap and initially this was a concern but, as we got to know each other the gap wasn’t a issue). Don’t wait around to meet someone to start living your best life- go ahead and adventure and enjoy every season (whether its single life or in a relationship) – the right person will come along and compliment you.

Jessica and Thomas’ story

I had a year long affair four years into my marriage when our second child was just a few months old, with David, who was a friend to both my husband and I.
David came to live with us for a number of weeks to help Thomas with a project he was working on. It began unexpectedly as an escalating friendship, an emotional connection but grew into the beginnings of a physical relationship once we moved back interstate where David lived, sometime later.
At 23, I was young, vulnerable and found myself involved in an entanglement which I didn’t seek – although, in hindsight I was unhappy, feeling ‘trapped’ at home with a baby and a toddler 24/7. David’s initial advances were opportunistic, taking advantage of my vulnerability and naivety.

After David returned home and prior to us moving interstate as a family, David and I continued our relationship secretly, communicating via letters. After some months and feeling guilty, I tried to put a stop to our correspondence but David persisted stating, “There’s nothing wrong with us being friends”. At this point I told Thomas what I’d been doing and how I felt about David. Thomas forgave me and we agreed that I would have no contact with David. However, upon moving and once David and I began seeing each other again regularly, both with my family and then secretly, the affair very quickly deepened to a physical one.

A few months later I ended the affair suddenly, after David told me of a dream he had about Thomas and I separating and me losing custody of our eldest child – which distressed me so much I finally came to my senses and saw reality. I then told Thomas the truth, admitting that I had been disloyal and unfaithful a second time.

Upon finding out Thomas gave me the choice to leave, if that’s what I wanted, but if I stayed I would have to work hard to regain his respect and trust. He didn’t trust me at all. Though I felt very vulnerable I was actually relieved; glad the truth was out and I didn’t have to try living a double life anymore, because extreme anxiety was impacting my mental and physical health.

Simultaneously Thomas became unemployed and made sure I had no further contact with David at all (100% cut off). Thomas was with me everywhere I went – we literally did everything together, as a family, (which was awesome in hindsight).

Thomas basically made decisions for me. Immediately, we went together to get counsel from our pastors who recommended professional counselling for me. I saw the counsellor a couple of times, then stopped going as she was ‘going places in my past’ that I didn’t think were relevant or related to my present circumstances?!

However, of most benefit to me long term, has been (ongoing) extensive personal reflection and self-help; identifying and dealing with past abuse and its impact on me as a woman and affects on my marriage.

Jessica and Thomas’ Interview

1. Share your brief background/love story

Thomas and I met at church when I was 12 years old and he was 15. Our families became good friends and we started going out when I was 15. Having moved interstate with my family and after Thomas virtually proposed when I was just 17 years old, we actually split up for nearly two years. When he visited one last time (being his last ditch effort to see if there was any hope with us getting back together), the spark of interest was rekindled but I didn’t say anything to him cos I knew it would mean ‘together for good’ – ie. marriage. After much contemplation, I headed interstate with my brother to inform Thomas of my true feelings however, we didn’t make it – on route I was nearly killed in a terrible car accident. Being a mechanic and at my father’s request, Thomas came to investigate the damage to our car (which was extensive). Seizing the only opportunity I was going to get and from my hospital bed, I revealed my feelings to Thomas – to his utter surprise! We were married 9 months later when I was 19 years old. We’ve now been married for 31 years; have 4 adult children, and 3 grandchildren.

2.    What were the first signs of things starting to go wrong in your marriage?

Jessica: about 2-3 years into our marriage – The ‘in love’ feeling waning but resentment growing towards Thomas for not meeting my emotional & physical needs (this coincided with severe sleep deprivation after our first child who had a medical issue).

Then four years into our marriage, after our second child, when David was living with us –  

• Neither of us taking it seriously when I told Thomas about some initial flirtatious comments made by David, in Thomas’ absence
• Wanting to spend time with David just to talk and connect with someone who I felt ‘saw’ me
• Taking and making opportunities to be with David alone

When David moved back interstate our relationship continued via letters. Despite trying to put a stop to the relationship and initially feeling guilty –  

• Enjoying the companionship and the thrill of a secret relationship
• Deepening feelings for David when we moved back interstate followed by
• Escalating of relationship to physical stage alongside strained relationship with Thomas

Thomas:

First ‘signs’…. I am a male so for me it was Jessica telling me.

I did not see the signs, even in hindsight from my perspective, no real signs or issues – how wrong I was.

However when I look back on it, I too, probably had thoughts of being trapped and thinking that if Jessica died, I would be free. There was obviously something underlying here in terms of affection and love that I didn’t really see as an issue on my part. But looking back on it now, I think there was an attitude within me of taking Jessica for granted.

3.    At the time were you aware that your decisions were unhealthy/entering dangerous territory?

Jessica:                 Yes and No

Yes – I told Thomas but it kept happening because David was living with us and Thomas was away at work and David was with me at home working on the project
No – I didn’t reflect on my actions or the potential consequences
 Yes – but too connected now with David; too far down the slippery slope of marital decline

Thomas:      Hard one to say, so around the same time Jessica told me about David (the first time) there was another woman that I had a flirtatious moment/interest in (not physical or emotional), just in my head – I entertained the thought that if Jessica was not in the picture then I would be in a position to take it further with this other woman. This was after Jessica told me about her and David’s relationship so to an extent; I could justify this in my head.

4.    What effects did you begin to see in your relationship with your husband?

Jessica: Emotional distance; resentful and other negative thoughts about him; strain; resulting in physical disconnection and distance.

Thomas:  From my point of view, most of our interactions were the same but maybe had become more of a routine that we seemed to be getting into. For me work seemed very important and providing for my family was probably where I saw most of my value to my wife. There were things that were preoccupying me when I was doing extra jobs/hours at work to make ends meet. At this stage, I also had a back injury which required me to give up work and resulted in ongoing chronic back pain. The change in our relationship I was attributing to the factors that were happening in my life more so than what were happening in Jessica’s.

5.    Throughout this time did it ever get to the point of considering separating from your husband?

Jessica:  Yes. Initially when David frankly brought up the topic, my ‘morals’ told me I didn’t want to do this; but eventually yes, I started entertaining thoughts of if Thomas was to suddenly die/be out of the picture etc. I don’t think I actually contemplated this as a reality though.

Thomas:  I wanted Jessica to be happy but it was not going to be that she just could replace me with David. I loved her and was prepared to fight for her however, if she wanted out, I would wish her well.

It was really hard, I mean really hard, to learn to love again.

Separation was probably not the path I wanted to go down. Having known Jessica’s heart I believe that her no longer being with me was not in her best interest and was not going to solve what we were going through. I have a very wise mum who had already pre-advised me (prior to us getting married) about the examples Jessica had been set by her role models which were very unhealthy, regarding love and respect. I think with this in mind there had to be more effort on my part, if we were going to stay together.  

6.    How did you take action to walk away from the temptation before it was too late?

Jessica: I didn’t. I was naïve initially and later deceived, not thinking the affair was wrong and justifying my behaviour to myself anyway; blinded to reality, to the damage I was actually inflicting on my family. If not for David’s dream I’d hate to think of what could have happened…..

7.    Did you seek advice or counsel during this season? If so, how did it help you?

Jessica: Yes, at husband’s request – I would do whatever he asked me to do just so he could trust me again.

Thomas: For me help came more so from people who were not qualified or competent to be giving advice. While I knew Jessica was going for professional counselling I did not believe that I had issues I had to work through for her. For example, a well-meaning person who was trying to explain what trust was about actually planted the thought that I would really never know what Jessica’s real relationship was with David. So for them, they were trying to tell me that I had to trust her regardless of what she’d told me. Well meaning, but I actually did trust what Jessica had told me was truth but I could never walk away from the question mark he planted. Seek counsel from objective people who have a credible track record as being competent.

8.    What led you back and, has kept you together since then?

Jessica: Thing that have led us back….

• complete cutting off of all contact with David
• spending 100% time with husband doing the actions/behaviours of ‘together’ which eventually led to emotional reconnection (during affair being intimate with husband was extremely difficult as my heart wasn’t in it/like an affront to my soul but as I began to feel loved again this slowly reignited my love and desire for Thomas)
• intentionally being grateful for my husband and choosing to focus on his good points
• determining to only speak positively about Thomas 

Kept us together since….

• feeling ‘seen’, valued, appreciated and cherished by my husband – not taken for granted
• taking the time to improve my self-esteem and myself as a person – learning about my insecurities, weaknesses and vulnerabilities and dealing with past issues that were impacting my relationship with Thomas
• Thomas not travelling interstate for work for more than a week at a time
• being intentional in prioritising and planning to regularly do things together just as a couple (eg. going for an after dinner walk, sharing coffee and homemade fruit toast for breakfast on the weekend, regular date nights, dinner and evenings out, celebrating our wedding anniversaries, overnight getaways, weekends away – especially as our kids got older and more independent)

Thomas:

For me it was actually taking ownership of the things that I could control and how my failings contributed to Jessica’s decisions. This was never Jessica’s fault alone. I had to learn again how to trust which was probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I had to learn how to cherish her and be appreciative of everything she did. Having a year off work gave me the opportunity to see how hard she worked in keeping the household running, the kids clothed, the part time work that Jessica diligently did.  

Showing appreciation and continuing to love her slowly changed the way we felt about each other. The thought of feeling trapped slowly went away with a new thought of wanting to wake up with Jessica every morning. I would often say as we went to bed, “Good night my princess” just so she would know that for me she truly was a princess and that was how I thought of her.

      9.      How did your perspective on commitment and the vows you made change after this experience?

Jessica:  I have a much more mature view on commitment now – time, age, overall maturity and life experiences have made clear there importance/significance and how young and naïve I was. Way too young to get married.

Love is not just a feeling but an act of the will.

My marriage vows were impersonal traditional words I didn’t even understand, apart from ‘death do us part’. I so enjoy weddings I attend these days where couples write their own vows, as they are so personal and deeply meaningful!

Thomas:  Commitment was not so much an issue; for me it was about setting new commitments for moving forward. I committed to not putting myself in a position where I would be alone with another woman. We actually both did this. While I still think it probably holds weight but probably sounds a bit old fashioned, what we really meant by that boundary/commitment was that we valued our love so much that we wanted to protect it at all costs.

10.  What advice would you offer to couples who are having difficulties with boundaries of the opposite sex?

Jessica:

• Both need to value that marriage is sacred and something to be guarded
• Recognize the need for, set, and value boundaries and don’t compromise them – ever!
• Analyze, then communicate honestly the reasons why you’re feeling like compromising those agreed boundaries (ie. what need of mine is not being met? Why would I sacrifice long term stability, respect and trust for short term gratification?)
• Compromise begins in the mind, that’s where the battle starts (wise proverb: “As one thinks in his heart, so is he”). So guard your mind, don’t even entertain thoughts of compromise
• Stay in love with your spouse, rekindle the spark, often
• Agree to be mutually accountable with your spouse and ‘check in’ with how each other are going regularly

Thomas:

• Start setting boundaries before you get married but the boundaries you should be setting should be opposite to boundaries – they should be positive commitments in how you want to live. The best boundary for not having an attraction to another woman is to absolutely and whole-heartedly cherish the one you have, being thankful for each new day that you’ll spend together.
• This one is not so much a boundary but an understanding that guys are really bad about knowing how to do everything. Talking and communicating is really not our forte, so pre-marriage counselling should be a must for both partners to actually work that out before you start making some of those really deep commitments.

*please note the names have been changed to respect the privacy of the people involved

1. TELL US YOUR SIMPLE LOVE STORY

E &D:  It all started when Daniel moved to Emma’s school for VCE. Daniel with a big mop of hair and relaxed attitude, Emma was very happy that ‘new hot boy’ had moved to Luther College for the last two years of school. Daniel was none the wiser and had his eye on footy, cricket, ‘the boys’ and motorbike riding. A few sneaky pashes at High School parties was as far as it went for 15-year-old Emma and 16-year-old Daniel.

We were always in the same group of friends at school and remained great friends. Daniel moved to Perth for 2.5 years after school had finished. When Daniel moved back to Melbourne in April 2009 the friendship continued. Emma had taken a dating vow between her and God for 12 months not to date. However as time went on the more feelings we developed for each other, not knowing if the other person would want to date. Daniel patiently waited until Emma’s dating vow finished and asked Emma’s Dad if he could date her. A dinner date on 1^st February 2010 was the start of our relationship, engaged in April 2012 and married in November 2012.

• 

• 

• 

2. DESCRIBE ONE WAY YOU EACH INTENTIONALLY GROW YOUR LOVE

E: I believe a strength of our marriage is being intentional with time, which in turn helps our love to grow for each other. Whether it is time together, time alone or time for a boys/girls night. We are intentional with time to make sure we are recharged for our marriage to be able to give to the other person. Time together to share, listen and reconnect, time alone to re-energize and time with friends to keep balance. Nearly seven years in we are still working on it, however we have learnt the importance of intentional time.

D: Em and I will always try and get an intentional date night each week. This is something we have done since we got married. How that looks can vary in different seasons but for us it’s often a dinner out somewhere. Doesn’t have to be expensive but it’s an easy way to lock in with each other without the worry of cooking/cleaning and generally being surrounded by things in the house that need doing.

• 

• 

• 

3. SHARE YOUR MOST RECENT, OR FAVOURITE GO-TO DATE

E: My favourite date is a “home date”. Sometimes after a week of working full-time it’s nice to be home together and intentionally just ‘be’.
Cooking for Dan is definitely my love language and his is Acts of Service, so works well!
I love to plan us a special dinner at home, spend a little more on good quality red meat or a nice wine. I’ll have a cheese platter or bruschetta ready to go when Dan walks in the door from footy, cricket or work. I also love to send Dan a text message beforehand asking him for a “Wilson Resident Reservation”. He chooses what he’d like for dinner and dessert. We can relax, nowhere to go, nowhere to be, just with each other!

D: It would have to be getting dinner near our local cinema then watching a movie. Usually ice-cream (our favourite) would be involved at some stage or a bottle of wine. That’s an easy go to for us and something we both really enjoy.

4. SHARE YOUR BEST PIECE OF ADVICE TO KEEP A MARRIAGE THRIVING

E: Being mindful of all the ‘little things’ that add up. I feel like Dan and I show each other love through small acts.
We always put tooth paste on each other’s tooth brush, sounds small but it’s a small action to show you’re thinking about the other person first. Dan will unpack the dishwasher for me before I get home from work, so I can get started on dinner for us.
I also love to make Dan’s lunch for work – again a small task but it makes him feel loved that I make time to do that for him.
If Dan knows I’ve had a hard day or struggling with my anxiety, after dinner we’ll leave the mess of the kitchen and go for a walk with Bruce to clear my head. Then he’ll send me in to have a shower and wind down while he cleans up the dishes. The small things add up, you just need to be mindful and aware of what matters to your partner.

D: Keep a date night. It’s cliché but it forces intentional one on one time. It encourages you as a couple, even when things are flat in your marriage to work through them. It can spark romance again too, and help you to be reminded of the things you love about your partner. Even when “life” stuff is consuming all of your thoughts.

It’s also important not to forget the idea love is EASY. It’s not. But the harder you fight for it the better it is.

6. WHAT IS CURRENTLY OR HAS BEEN YOUR GREATEST CHALLENGE IN YOUR MARRIAGE?

E: In 2015, my self-esteem and self-destruction came strongly to a head. We needed to do something different to break the cycle, so we decided together it was best I started to see a Psychologist. We quickly discovered that my symptoms were anxiety, it was a relief for me to have an answer. However, things definitely got worse for me before they got better. Dan had to help me pick up the pieces in-between therapy sessions. It was quite the journey to understand my anxiety, my triggers and how to manage it moving forward. It helped us to grow closer as I voiced new things to Dan I have never said out loud before. It was a hard on our marriage, as it was so focused on me. However, I am so thankful I got to walk that journey with him and learn to manage it together. This journey is still continuing 😉

D: A major challenge we’ve experienced together, was having to deal with some mental health issues Em was going through that we didn’t realise were there. This meant figuring out some very real and deep issues Em and I didn’t anticipate. For us that was for sure the toughest and most challenging time for us as a couple.

Another challenge would have been when we renovated our entire house together. Take away power, water, a few walls, the floor of the house and add in the work had to be done on top of full-time work and sporting commitments – this was huge. Like plenty of new couples you start to struggle financially and it starts to take a toll, learning to budget and balance everything together.

• 

• 

• 

• 

Welcome to Part 2 of our series on dating. Every relationship begins with the fun, exciting and loved up dating season before they walk down the aisle and it’s often the biggest learning rollercoaster as you discover how compatible you are for marriage. We’ve interviewed a range of quality couples who are currently in this stage of life and asked them to share their insights as they prepare to say “I do!”

How do you make communication and spending quality time together a priority given you don’t live together yet?

Communication is one of the most important things in our relationship. We’ve been able to learn how we process things over the last 2 years and we try to always be open about how we’re feeling and be sure to communicate that in a healthy way to each other. It’s a learning process, especially if you have different personalities (internal processor vs. external processor), but if you genuinely work on it together, you will see that problems rarely ever get the chance to blow up into something bigger. We also make sure any argument gets dealt with straight away by talking it out. We don’t walk out of the room or go home angry which can be hard and uncomfortable at times, but so worth it in the long run! Quality time is also a big priority for us, especially because that is my primary love language. We make sure we set aside time for at least 1 date night every week where we turn off any distractions and just focus on being together!

How did you work to build solid foundations whilst also doing long distance for a long period of time?

As hard as it was doing long distance for so long, especially with the drastic time difference being across the world from each other, we both agree that it really helped solidify a strong foundation in our relationship. The thing about long distance is that when you take the physical aspect out of it, all you really have left is chemistry in personalities and the ability to build a deep friendship. The only thing you can do is talk on the phone for long periods of time, and I think that very easily helps determine how well you actually do or don’t connect with each other.

That small amount of time every morning and every night to talk on the phone became so special to us in getting to know each other. It’s hard because you miss them so much it hurts most days, especially when you were used to seeing them almost every day, and then that changes, it is definitely an adjustment.We tried to fly back and forth every 2-3 months to see each other, even if it was for a week or two. The biggest thing I would say that helped sustain our LD relationship was that we started with a goal in mind that we knew we were working towards. Before Chris moved, he asked if I would ever consider moving to Australia one day if it came to it, and it just so happened that it was something I had wanted to do for years! So the whole time we were working towards the goal of me possibly moving there sometime in the near future. You also might get a lot of negativity from friends/family making jokes and saying it will probably not last, but you can’t listen to what anyone else thinks if you know this is something you want to commit to.

• 

• 

• 

Have you found any resources to be particularly helpful while navigating the dating/engaged stage together?

M: The best book you could ever read to help with ANY relationship, but especially your marriage, is “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk. It has key principles on healthy relationships that will enrich every relationship you’re in. We have also done pre-marriage counselling with our pastors and we would recommend it 10000%. Even if you think you have the perfect relationship, it STILL is worth it. It helps you realise how you communicate, foresee any potential problems that could come up later down the road with expectations you may subconsciously have on each other and how to handle conflict together, as well as many more other important things. I think our pre-marriage counselling has also brought out our compatibility and improved our relationship even more than it already was!

What has been the most difficult part of your dating/engagement season?

I think we could both agree– abstinence. As beautiful as it is and SO worth it, choosing to wait is not easy by ANY means, but it’s just one of the many things that we believe will make our marriage so special.

The long distance part of our relationship was also very difficult for both of us, especially because it felt like forever. But then it was also hard to have to say goodbye to my family and start a whole new life in a completely different country. Even in the obvious struggles that came with that, Chris was so supportive throughout the whole process and did everything he could to make sure I settled into life here.

The engagement season has been fun, but I’ve found it difficult to just live in the moment and enjoy this season! I have to constantly remind myself not be impatient waiting for the next (married) season to begin. Especially in these last few weeks, we are just so ready to FINALLY live together and share in all of the amazing joys of being married.

• 

• 

What might be one intentional habit you’re hoping to begin together once you are married to keep growing your love?

To be sure to always prioritise time together and not get overwhelmed with life’s tasks and responsibilities. To commit to continue working on our friendship and keeping our relationship exciting and spontaneous.

– Chris and Mariah Farace 

(These love birds are actually MARRIED now – we were so thrilled to watch them become husband and wife at the end of last year, so we can’t help but share a few stunning pics from their special day!!)

• 

• 

• 

Marriage truly is like having a mirror held up to your inner self 24/7. You might not really realise some of your faults and flaws until you’re face to face with them everyday as you learn to interact with another person constantly.

A friend and I were talking about this and she recalled a hilarious story from the early days of her marriage years ago when anger was a big part of her life. One particular day, she and her husband got into a big fight before they left for a breakfast date. The car ride was hostile and cold and once they dropped their daughter off they were left in silence. On the way to their ‘date’ her husband stopped at the bakery and came back to the car with his favourite cream filled bun. He then ran out to do another quick errand at the shops and while she was left in the car alone, she was overcome by such anger towards her husband that she took the bun out of its paper bag and proceeded to punch the bun repeatedly, spraying cream all over the car’s interior!! She of course, felt the instant relief of letting out her anger physically but her husband however, came back very confused, to a very messy scene but a much happier, relieved wife.  

Whilst that’s a funny illustration now, you might not have ever punched an item or physically hurt your spouse with your anger but I’m sure we can all remember a time we said something deeply hurtful to our spouse in anger. For me, reacting angrily is what creeps in and shows its face in the mirror when I least expect it.

“Disagreements can easily become like a sword fight, except that unkind words leave deeper wounds which take longer to heal than physical pain. I read a story about a woman who said “my husband once called me a stupid, selfish, fat, frigid bitch. Admittedly I had just called him worse things, but when he said I was frigid, I just couldn’t forget that. Whenever we make love, I keep thinking that’s what he thinks of me. I sort of stopped trusting him. Saying you didn’t mean it, is all very well, but what did make you say it?” The old line that angry people always say things they don’t mean, is also counterbalanced by the other old line that – only when you are angry, do you dare say what you really mean. Most of us have a fairly total recall of things said to us in anger.”  (excerpt from The Marriage Book)

Restraint is part of the cost of true love. No single contentious issue, however strongly we may feel about it, is more important than our marriage. It’s easy to think that saying something more forcefully or with more rage gives us more power over our spouse or will shut the situation down, but we are wrongly using use anger to get action, rather than action to get action.

Mark has always blown me away at his resistance to retaliate. I’ve said some really unkind things to him out of hurt in the past, but he has never hurtled anything back at me. A huge part of it, in my eyes, is the example set in his household. Whilst his parents aren’t perfect, he never recalls (and in my 10+ years of being a part of their family) his father speaking angrily or yelling at his mother. I’m being 100% honest when I say in our 6.5 years of marriage, Mark has never raised his voice at me. He certainly isn’t perfect either but this quality in him is one of the things I love and respect most about him. If he can avoid angry outbursts, then so can I. He has demonstrated to me that although getting angry can be common, it doesn’t have to be our normal. His example has muted and stopped so many verbal arguments from ever arising – I can sincerely say I don’t remember the last time we even had a ‘yelling match’. OF course we both feel upset, frustrated, disappointed, annoyed etc at each other at times, that’s just part of two imperfect people living together – but we have learnt to communicate through and sort out those feelings in more productive ways.

Disagreements and differences in personalities do not need to destroy a marriage, instead it can be the very ways you work together to find better resolutions that actually deepen and strengthen a relationship. We believe the Bible gives us the best advice of all – “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”( James 1:19) As husbands and wives we need to be gracious with our speech as our words have such power to hurt or heal. Maybe you also have a temper or can admit you react angrily more often than not too – It’s never too late to start changing some of the ugly parts of ourselves that the marriage mirror holds up #growyourlove

– Lauren Donker

 

1. TELL US YOUR SIMPLE LOVE STORY

BM & KM:

Simply put this is our not so simple love story…

Boy see’s girl.

3 years on – girl see’s boy.

Then boy & girl start to hang out casually with friends.

Boy says he likes girl. Girl says “you’re confused” – but really she is.

Boy sticks around, girl gets less confused.

They date.

3 years on – they break up.

Girl goes to Italy; boy goes to Nepal.

Then boy & girl start to hang out casually with friends.

Girl says she likes boy. Boy says “you’re confused”, but really she’s not this time.

They date… again.

3 years on – boy & girl became husband & wife.

 

2. DESCRIBE ONE WAY YOU EACH INTENTIONALLY GROW YOUR LOVE?

BM: The saying what you feed grows is so right in all areas of life, particularly in committed relationships & marriages! If you want to grow you love, you have to be intentional about not growing your own self seeking ways. We grow our love by doing our best to be quick to say sorry, & saying no to holding grudges. Because saying sorry is really hard to do, we stick out our pinky finger instead, that’s our way of acknowledging that we didn’t see this conversation going in this direction & we want to turn it around with love & understand aka. I’m sorry. This sounds really lame, we have to both extend our pinky fingers until they link – by the time that happens we have had a little moment to die to ourselves & it helps us a lot in moments of tension to chill, re-centre & communicate our hearts, rather than let our egos take centre stage. Look it might be cheesy, but it definitely works! So we grow our love through that little practice.

KM: We have this thing that we do & have done since we started traveling. It’s called ‘Welcome Home’. If one of us goes out for a while or one of us is feeling disconnected that day, we say ‘Welcome Home’ – when that happens we give each other a hug until we both relax into the hug. It’s our reminder that although we don’t have a physical home, we have each other, we have safety with each other & we belong where we stand – together, at home.

 

3. YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN LIVING & TRAVELING ABROAD FOR 18 MONTHS NOW PURSUING YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSION PROJECTS – HOW HAS THIS EXPERIENCE OF LIVING IN EACH OTHER’S POCKETS WITHOUT THE USUAL ROUTINES OF LIFE IMPACTED YOUR MARRIAGE?

BM & KM: Great Question! Initially we had way more fights & tensions. It’s really difficult to be out of your comfort zone ALL the time, & I think initially we didn’t really know how to navigate all the changes, (to be fair we had only been married one year when we moved to China, so we were still figuring that all out too). After a while, we realised that we weren’t being very gracious towards each other. I think over time it sank in that we weren’t out to get each other – we wanted the best for each other & we hated seeing each other anxious & stressed. I think travel taught us (really quickly) to deeply trust each other. Hardship & life’s challenges will either get you to deeper trust or to breaking point, & travel (even though it might seem so glamourous) is actually a real challenge sometimes. I think we have also learnt to be way more flexible, we don’t have much personal space these days, so flexibility, grace & believing the best in each other are so important – otherwise this experience wouldn’t be that enjoyable, I’m sure!

 

 

4. FROM YOUR EXPERIENCE SO FAR, WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO A COUPLE WHO WANTS TO DITCH THEIR 9-5’S & PURSUE OTHER DREAMS TOGETHER?

BM & KM: Just like starting a family (or so I’ve heard) you can’t really plan on what to expect, you have to just dive in & commit fully. It may never feel like the right time, or things might not line up perfectly or you feel you just don’t have the skills. Ditching the 9-5 is a crazy change, & you can’t really prepare for it. You say no to security & yes to adventure, you say no to routine & yes to unexpected opportunities, you say no to your usual & yes to something else! For me, I love security, routine & my usual; but I loved the thought of adventure, unexpected opportunities & something else (whatever that is) a little bit more. Ditching your 9-5 requires risk, creativity & being ok with failure – lots & lots of failure & rejection. It’s so challenging, yet so transformative. Like a butterfly has to go into its dark cocoon for a stage, you will definitely experience a type of ‘death’ & if you’re anything like me you will have to take time to mourn the loss of that old way of living & your old self. But stick it out, listen to your intuition & your partner & don’t give up. Give it your best shot & if all fails… you can move in with your parents. Or on the positive side, it might just be the best thing you’ve ever done.

 

5. SHARE YOUR MOST RECENT, OR FAVOURITE GO-TO DATE

BM & KM: Traveling for so long has made our life feel, in ways, like one never ending date. Each day is full of quality time, ‘long walks on the beach’ or other activities & eating out. It might sound like a dream, but it’s actually a little exhausting & can be stressful in its own way, regardless its now become our ‘normal’. Because each day is full of so many activities & expenses, our go to date is pretty mundane. At the end of the day we love snuggling up where ever we are & watching our favourite TV shows. We love this because it’s free (bonus!!), it’s relaxing & even though it’s unexciting, it feels special to us now.

 

6. SHARE YOUR BEST PIECE OF ADVICE TO KEEP A MARRIAGE THRIVING

BM: This is my favourite thought, it helps me keep my marriage thriving, it has so much wisdom in it & you might have even heard it before, ‘there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear.’ This quote encapsulates my best piece of advice for all those who have made a commitment to journey with someone deeper into love.

Let me break it down a little, so first up… there is no fear in Love…

When I recognise & acknowledge that uncomfortable feeling called fear, I ask myself why am I feeling that? Where is that coming from? Is it my shame & fear about being fully seen that’s stopping me from stepping into love fully? Or am I feeling unsafe or anxious about something that I need to communicate with my partner so we can figure out where to go from there… Fear is a really helpful emotion, it keeps you safe – it’s an indicator to show you what is stopping you from going deeper into love & trust with your partner. Listen to it, then move through the fear, with the help of your partner, don’t let it move you away from deepening relationships – even if it keeps telling you to ‘hide’.

Then there is this last part of the verse… but perfect love casts out all fear.

Love – that thing that we can’t see, that thing that motivates us to make crazy life altering decisions like to choose our partner over ourselves every day, that thing that heals & brings so much hope. The point of this crazy beautiful chaos, the reason we exist, the answer to all of our questions, the easing of doubts, the joy of life, the whisper to your soul, this deep truth to be trusted is found in this four letter word… L O V E – it will do the work in us, it will cast out the fear, it will heal the heartache & it will make all things good. Surrender to its sweet whisper, for love is supernatural & it will transform your marriage & your life.